Be Awesome Like Bone Part 1: Clubs

I’ve been meaning to write this guide forever and I’ve come to the conclusion that writing a single guide that teaches people how to be awesome like me is next to impossible.

So I present to you part 1 in the series. 5 tips that’ll make you awesome (like me) while you’re clubbing.

1. Dress like a douche-bag. My current bar is set at Criss Angel but I hope one day to be at a Mystery level of douche-baggery.
2. Always arrive late to events. The closer to the posted end time the better. And once everyone starts leaving, be sure to bitch and moan and call everyone lightweights. People love that shit.
3. When choosing your dancing spot, choose one on the periphery of the dance floor. Only nerds dance in the middle and since you arrived late you’ll be guaranteed a nice spot on the outside.
4. Once you’ve picked your dancing spot, don’t move. Ever. The only time it’s okay to move is when you find yourself clipping into someone else. Don’t, however, move if you find yourself clipping into the surrounding furniture. Instead, begin to cyber with that furniture in the local channel. Try to work in “lacquered nipples” if you can.
5. And finally: Always tip your DJs and hosts. And me if you’re lucky enough to have me grace you with my presence.

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